Published December 14, 2008
[/b]In my head,
a boy I see.
But in my dreams,
he's next to me.
He makes me happy
when I am sad.
I love him a lot,
and much more than that.
He knows and he cares.
I know this for sure.
For when I am sick,
this boy is my cure.
The girls say he's wierd,
not the best looking guy.
They don't see him like I do.
He's the sun in my sky.
-Bailey Holcomb
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
i really like this poem it makes me feel the way you feel and it seems well worded.
It has a good flow and rhythmn to it so good job on that. It's a bit vague like alwaysawriter pointed out.
In my head,
a boy I see.
But in my dreams,
he's next to me.
i didn't really get the but in my dreams part. What do you mean when you say you see a boy in your head but he's next to you in your dreams? i just thought it sounded a bit weird but if you don't think so, then never mind that.
anywyas, good job on it.
Ah! My name is not Catlin. (sheesh Peanut!) Anyway...
I'm going against what always said. I think that second line sounds fine the way it is. The first stanza is also really good. It's a great way to start of the poem.
I personally liked it all. I thought it was really good and went smooth. Good job!
*gives you a shiny star*
Hi, welcome to YWS. I think you mean this (http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/rules.php), peanut? It gives you the basic rules, which includes the 2:1 rule (you need to review two other pieces of work for every work you submit) and links to some of the guides.
So, unto your poem. My corrections are in bold.
Altogether, I was not too impressed with this poem. It lacked detail and you didn't show, you told.
Detail
You told us the who. What you didn't tell us, however, was the how (how was he caring? etc). You need to expand on parts of it so we know why this guy is so important that you wrote a poem about him--why he stands out from every other guy-- and details will help with that.
Show, don't Tell
You told us, you didn't show us. As a writer, our imagination is what defies a work. If you aren't creative with your wording, you're probably going to tell. However, if you are creative, you might just show us.
What Telling Is
Put simply, telling is this "She is beautiful. She is amazing. She makes me laugh." Now, how boring is that? It's like reading a shopping cart list.
What Showing Is
Take that above sentence and read it like this "No sun shines brighter than she for she defies the Gods and makes even the lowest creature on Earth laugh." See how much better and more descriptive that sounds? I made that extremely flowerly but you see my point.
Don't overuse them, though. A few here and there are good but one just randomly thrown in or a poem that just consist of imagery, metaphors, smilies, and hyperboles (etc) are bad.
In other words: spice up your writing!
Show us why we should care
I mean exactly what it says above. We have no reason to care who this girl is, who the guy is, or why she's writing about him at the moment. Use the suggestions above for thia.
In a nutshell
Use detail, show, don't tell, be creative, and show us why we should care.
I hope I didn't repeat myself; this is the first in-depth poetry review I've done before and I hope I helped. If you have any questions about this review, please PM me.
PM me if you ever need anything.
-alwaysawriter
Edit: I'm sorry if this is harsh.
Hey Bailey, its Sarah. Ummmm... . just thought I'd tell you there is sort of a rule. The rule is that you are supposed to post two reviews before posting stuff you have written. Its like a two for one thing, but since you are new and its kinda my fault you didnt know the rules you should go read them. Under community at the top there is a thingy called community forums click it then go to welcome.
Anyway your poem was good for your first time posting. Also you spelled weird wrong. I spelled it right. You'll have to wait for Cat_910 (Catlin) to give you a better review my expertise isnt poetry.
~peanut~